I read a lot of Naruto fanfics
by Jonn Wood
Summary: crackfic


Sakura sat bolt upright and looked around.

She was in Ichiraku Ramen. Sasuke sat across the table from her. And she had drooled on the paperwork they were both filling out.

Sasuke glanced up. "Good, you're awake. Now that we've both finished, how about lunch?"

...Something was wrong.

Sakura stood up. Something pulled her outside, and she looked around. What was it-

Ino, Choji, and Shikimaru leaned against the wall. Shikimaru crouched on the floor. He had a collar on. He was naked.

...Yeah, that was probably it.

"Shi-Shikimaru?"

Ino looked up. "How do you know our Trubelsum's name?"

"Your what?"

"The Pokemon assigned to me and Choji." Ino looked Sakura up and down, as Sasuke joined his partner. "Where's yours?"

"That's...uh, that's Shikimaru...?"

"No, it's Trubelsum, the tactical genius Pokemon." Sasuke shrugged. "Shikimaru's a good name for it, I guess. I think the Alolan variant is called Itzadrag."

" _Trubelsum!_ " Shikimaru said.

Sakura blinked. "What's an Alolan variant? Wait, what's a _Pokemon_?"

Ino and Choji gave each other Looks. Choji shook his head. "Pokemon are creatures with special abilities. But they can only say one thing, and their species is named after it."

"Trubelsum," Shikimaru agreed.

"We catch them in these little balls, and use them to do battle." Choji pulled a grey and black ball off his belt, and held it out. " _Shikimaru, return!_ "

A beam of light shot out of the ball, wrapped around Shikimaru, turned him into light, and pulled him in.

Sakura's jaw dropped. " _Um._ "

Choji clipped the ball to his belt. "Where's yours?"

"Shikimaru is human!"

Ino shook her head. "No, he's not. Otherwise, he'd be able to say things other than 'troublesome'."

Choji added "and we wouldn't be able to catch him in a Poke ball."

Sakura threw up her hands. "This is _ridiculous_! He looks exactly like a person! What if he just has brain damage or something?"

Sasuke put his hand on her forehead.

Sakura's train of thought derailed. "Wha?"

"No fever." Sasuke frowned at her. "How could you forget that we've been training with Pokemon for years? If they were real people, they wouldn't be so shallow and one-note."

She stamped her feet and tried to ignore the heat in her cheeks. "You're not _listening_ to m-"

Shizune walked past, with Tsunade's pig on a leash. And-

Sakura had a kunai out before she even realized. "What's _Orochimaru_ doing here? And why is he _slithering_?"

"Because Shizune always walks him at this time of day?" As the pedo Pokemon, pig, and personal assistant went by, the snake glanced at Sasuke, who shuddered and said. "Truth be told, he always gives me the creeps."

Sakura watched the trio leave, tried not to think about certain body parts dragging on the ground, then shut her mouth and put the kunai away.

Something was barking nearby. Sakura looked over the fence.

A young man with silver hair sat in a backyard with a ninja headband over his eye. The leash attached to his collar ran to a nearby post. He looked up at Sakura and wagged the tail he didn't actually have. Probably would've panted too, if he wasn't wearing a blue mask over the lower half of his face.

"Sensei," Sakura begged, " _please_ tell me Jiraya roped you into helping him with research."

"Maa, maa!" Kakashi barked.

Sakura jerked back like she had been shot.

Desperation can make people do strange things, seek help from folks they would never, ever go to on their own.

Sakura turned to Sasuke "Where's Naruto?'

"Right here." Sasuke unclipped an orange ball from his belt.

 _No..._

Sasuke held up the ball.

 _No!_

The ball released a whirlwind of red light, which resolved into-

Frankly, more of Naruto than she ever wanted to see.

He looked up at her.

She looked down at him.

She screamed internally.

She said "hello."

He said "ramen!"

-/-

Sakura sat bolt upright and looked around.

Oh. Right. The ramen shop. She looked down. The paperwork. The drool.

Naruto stretched. "There!" he rasped. "Red tape's done! Time for lunch!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I bet you haven't even star - oh. I sit corrected. What are you having?"

Naruto opened his mouth.

Sasuke said "I mean, what _type_ of ramen?"

"Beef miso."

Sakura examined her paperwork closely. Good, the ink didn't run. Then again, these scrolls were designed to resist blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids. A little drool wasn't going to kill them.

"Honestly, Naruto," she said, "have you _ever_ eaten anything other than ramen? Not in the field, I mean when you actually had a choice."

Naruto looked at the ceiling and, of course, tipped his chair back and balanced it on two legs.

"I think I looked at a kumquat once."

-IRALNF-

 **AN:** For something like a year now, I've had this idea for a joke comic about Naruto fanfics. Basically, it was a "who's that Pokemon!" gag about Shikimaru and his sub catchphrase "Troublesome."

I realized I wasn't actually going to draw it. Ever. And I wanted to get back to writing one-shots, so I ran with the idea. Or, more accurately, it ran away from me.


End file.
